Earlier this April, I traveled to Austin, Texas, for a contemplative Lenten retreat at the Church of Conscious Harmony—a place that has been a virtual spiritual home for me over the last four years. Although I had participated in their virtual Sunday services, Journey School, and Work Groups through Zoom, this was my first time visiting the community in person. It was a long-awaited moment, thanks to a rare opening in my schedule. The experience was more than I anticipated. It was nourishing. Realigning. Transformational.
Walking the Path
Every step of the journey to this retreat felt like a sacred path—one that led me home to myself where I could be nourished. From the moment I said yes to the invitation, it was as if a path had opened beneath my feet. A path away from striving and toward presence. A path that called me into stillness, communion, and awareness.
Self-Observation
In the weeks leading up to the retreat, my contemplative practice had grown dry. I was showing up, but the stillness felt stale. I had started observing myself more closely. On a recent trip to Baltimore, I noticed my tendency toward quick judgment while people-watching. Rather than scolding myself, I decided to stay curious. What if I looked at everyone I see with compassion and love? What if I looked at myself and my experiences with tenderness and love. The experience was very gratifying. Consciously preferring love felt good. I was ready to continue this practice. So my intention for the retreat was formed…to practice a gentle shift of my attention to loving-kindness and open up to insights that could guide and sustain my path.
So even before I arrived in Austin, the embers of anticipation began to warm something in me. I recall the inspiration from scripture:
A new heart will I give you, a new spirit will I put within you; and I will remove the heart of stone out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
Going Away to Arrive Home
I carried that intention into the retreat, continuing the experiment in loving awareness. I noticed when judgment arose, and I noticed the delight that came with returning to a loving heart instead. There’s something about stepping out of your familiar rhythms—away from the physical environment and habits that shape your daily life—that allows you to see yourself more clearly. Time slows down. Space opens up. Your path becomes your practice. No controlling or directing. Just showing up to what is and practicing loving presence with it all.
Angels Along the Way
From the start of my journey from northern Wisconsin to the great state of Texas, grace met me in the form of friendship and kind gestures. On my trip to the Twin Cities from Bayfield, I stayed with friends John and Shari before flying to Austin the next day. Shari is currently facing a serious health challenge. Our friendship, through the good and challenging times, is an important part of my spiritual path. My heart is nudging me into deeper presence with her and courage to walk her path with her.
Teresa, whom my husband Steve and I had met on a dive trip to Cozumel, picked me up at the airport in Austin. Though we’d only spent a few days together on a recent trip, seeing her felt like reconnecting with a lifelong friend. She came bearing snacks, water, a journal, pens—an angel of generosity. We enjoyed a conversation over lunch that revealed her ease with curiosity and openness to all people and ideas. This reminded me of the qualities I wished to cultivate in myself. It is good to have angels, guides, teachers, mentors, that show up along our path and remind us of our heart’s desire – our inner compass.
Meeting the Community in Flesh and Spirit
At the church, I was welcomed warmly by Karen—who recognized me solely by my voice from our Zoom meetings. She embraced me and introduced me to others I had only known virtually. Jill, my longtime work partner, came out of a staff meeting to greet me. I also met Isabel from a current work group, and Todd and Donald from past ones. And I met Jonathan, the new pastor. I shared with him that I was inspired from a previous lesson in Journey School that referenced the “archeological dig” that we do on the contemplative path. This is what led to my self-observation in the airport. I recognized the need to break through the “crust” that had formed over my heart and get into the inner heart of light. To my delight, at our Opening Circle, Jonathan introduced the theme of the retreat: Putting the mind in the heart. We were asked to share our intention. I was able to voice again what I was seeking …”Insight”, I proclaimed. My inner compass was pointing me toward bringing the light of awareness to my Being to connect with the pure light of my heart. Here, I hoped to experience insight that would guide and sustain my path.
Walk the Path You are On
The retreat offered what my soul had been craving: silence, centering prayer, contemplative walking, ritual, Eucharist, and solitude. On one of my walks, I stumbled
upon a labyrinth. As I walked it, I came across a shadow on the ground. It was the shape of a heart, formed by light and leaves.
Later, during a spiritual companioning session with Jonathan, I shared a brief summary of my current path. I shared the events that led to my current choices and the inner unrest that continues. He reflected back to me that I appeared hungry for wanting something, and I was looking for it from a lot of sources outside of myself. I then shared my encounter with the shadow. He affirmed that settling into that inner light in the heart is a great place to settle and to be still and know. All the voices, teachers, and inspirations that I had been devouring from the world needed time to settle into the manifestation. Jonathan mentioned, “being on and working on the path that you are on”. And it can change. We “hold a post”, he said, “for awhile…and then it can change”. Currently, I am on a seekers path. The “insight” (that I have been hoping for) of the inner light of my heart resolved much of my discontent. I can waste a lot of energy worrying that I am not on “the right path”.
During a meditation, the following excerpt landed at my heart compass: Receive the one who opens to you so deeply.
I realized I don’t allow myself to feel satiated. I eat, eat, eat but don’t savor.
My reflection with this passage:I can live in the world of not there yet. Always seeking – but never arriving. I can be fixed on learning, pursuing, testing, and reflecting. But what about the savoring? See where Christ (love) is already infinitely in me. What would my life look like if I savored the path I’m on? was present to love already infinitely available around and within me?
This path of solitude and silence on retreat was a sacred detour from the cultural habit of hungry striving. In this space, I caught up with myself. I landed fully where I was. And I began to understand that there’s profound growth in simply arriving exactly where you are.
In the silence of retreat, I reflected on my insatiable hunger—and recognized that I also had been eating mindlessly in seeking gratification. I could see this on retreat. I realized I wasn’t physically hungry. I was spiritually starving:
- Hungry for silence
- Hungry for real presence
- Hungry for shared ritual
- Hungry for sacred conversation
- Hungry for Eucharist
As I received and savored all of that, the hunger lessened. I noticed a shift even at meals—less ravenous chewing, more savoring. The sensation of fullness grew, not from eating, but from filling up with deep presence. On walks, the constant discourse of ideas in my head started to quiet. I felt the nourishment that came from releasing the emptiness of pursuit and accepting the fullness of presence. On one of my last mindful walks, I laid down on a bench and looked up. Another gift of grace landed on my heart looking up into the canopy overhead. Another heart, shaped by the arms of the trees. I never felt alone in my silence. The gift of the group, the land, the sky, trees, birds, and rocks were all a part of the great mystery of love made manifest – all around me.
In the final circle of retreat, we were asked to share a word or phrase. I offered, with a smile, “Communion—within and with y’all.” That Southern expression, y’all, had become a thread of warmth woven throughout my stay. More than a colloquialism, it carries a spirit of welcome, inclusion, and intimacy. Communion with y’all. Communion within. It felt like home.
Ghost-Busting the Hungry Ghost
Jill and I shared one last evening together before my return home. She told me a story about someone once naming her inner craving as a “hungry ghost.” And it clicked: I had brought a hungry ghost to retreat. And I think, through contemplation and communion, some of that ghost energy dissolved.
I’m back now, in the reality of my life with Steve, Winnie (our dog), the chickens, and my work. It’s different here. The practice of silence is allotted a 20 minute sit at the start of my day. Sometimes, an additional mindful pause brings me the inner peace I wish to sustain. So the practice continues.
I will keep putting my mind in my heart. I will keep journaling. I will keep self-observing – my presence needs tending. And I continue to be hungry for it. But now I empty to be filled up.
This is the beginning of something sacred. This is the path I’m on—and it’s one I will continue walking. A path of presence, insight, and communion. A path illuminated by the shadows and surprises of love.
Reflection Prompt: Is there a place in you that feels spiritually hungry right now? What might that part of you be asking for?
Want to Explore More? We have new offerings this spring that support spiritual nourishment, contemplative practice, and soul-aligned living. [Explore Here].
